Life Supplement

dimanche, mars 04, 2007

Inspired

This will be short.

Just finished watching Dangerous Minds. It's been awhile since I've seen that film. Anyway, it left me feeling inspired, to see one person be so deeply involved in her work, to care so deeply about others that it chages their lives.

I wish making a difference like that was the reality of everyday life. I wish inspiring others and fighting against an unfair establishment was the reality of life. Idealistic. I wish I didn't have to hear from others say patronisingly, "That's the real world," when humdrum and pecking order and rules and establishment shock the idealistic way that we have been taught to think as young people in the incubator that is education.

I'm just tired of being jaded and doing the same things everyday. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel again. That's all.

jeudi, février 22, 2007

Something to Talk About

Talking about other people can be entertaining. Sometimes it's pretty harmless, when we talk about their quirky habits. In some way, we're all quirky, and so it's okay to laugh. We sympathise with each other in that basic human condition of quirkiness. But there are other ocassions when talking about other people can be harmful. That's usually when we bring out our judgements of other people. It is especially harmful when people talk in this way about someone to another person whom he or she has never met. No matter that we know how incorrect it is not to form your own opinion based on others. Things are said that are heard, and that are, in some way, are planted in our own minds, such that we cannot help but frame the subject of the conversation by the words that have been released.

But what's even scarier about prejudice by gossip, is that you have no idea what these people who say things about others, say about you behind your back. We can believe with all our might that we are good people, that we always put our best foot forward, that we operate on some level of goodness and morality... but to others, who have no idea about the full situation of our lives--which is practically everybody--we are flawed. We are flawed because we cannot be fully understood. Is there a person who has been with us in each and every moment of our lives? And this is not just talking about a physical presence, but something that can hear our insides as well-- what we think and how we feel? Because that's the most important ingredient of the kind of people that we are today.

No, there is nobody.

And that's what's scary about gossip. We can misjudge and prejudge terribly. So too can the others.

The gossip must stop.

mercredi, janvier 31, 2007

Resolution

I'M BACK!

Well, hopefully, I will be. I sort of made a resolution to write something--anything at all-- everyday. But look-- it's the last day of January and these are the first words I am writing for the year!

I didn't make the resolution for the benefit of my faithful readers... if I do have any. The resolution is more for myself, in the manner that all resolutions are. I resolved to write so that my creative and logical capabilities do not go to waste-- so that my grammar does not wither away, so that my wit and humour (or whatever I have of it) do not retreat and rust in some inaccessible corner of my mind. No, I cannot stand for that. I cannot stand for wasting four years of college and a lifetime of education. I will not stand for it. I am determined that these will not lose to the humdrum of my days. Bring on the history and the politics. Bring on the art and literature. I am a willing student of all life has to offer.

See! That's what I am talking about! I've gotten carried away! I've brought myself to the conclusion in only one paragraph! Oh, I wanted to talk about the routine of my job; how each day is the same as the last, and how I often must just grit my teeth and rely on the joy that is inside me through Jesus. I wanted to talk about the irony of liking my job only when I'm not actually doing it. As relief officer, my primary function is to provide relief when another officer goes on leave. But I actually prefer not to provide relief! I like it better when I stay in my home branch, which is a busy one. At least when I am busy, I don't have time to think about how crappy things are. But nooo-- I get thrown into the hinterlands of commerce. I have to deal with people who either don't know how to deal with people or don't want to deal with them at all. And I am talking about those who only know how to listen to themselves, who engage in dialogue when it is really monologue, that is to say, the other person in the conversation exists only to affirm, to say the things they want to hear. When you try to explain how things work, the explanation is shunned, so that in the end, all of it really becomes useless. Things can get useless when I'm busy like that; but they get more useless when I'm not busy at all, and now I speak of the commercial hinterlands, where you can count the number of things you accomplish in a day. And often, the things you accomplish barely count for accomplishments because they are they same, proceduralised things of operations-related work.

Wasted. I really don't like to use that term, but Carrie Underwood is singing that word in my head:
"I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted"
Well, technically, it hasn't been years. But why wait for it to degenerate as so? No. I must not fall into a stupor. I must keep my eyes on higher things. Yes, be faithful to the circumstances that were given to me (another Carrie song, "You get the life you're given"). But faithful in this case does not have to equate to acceptance. I'll do my job, and I'll do it well; but doing will not take away dreaming and wanting. I have dreams, not plans. I romanticise it because I've come to learn that things will not always turn out the way I plan. I had plans about how my career would go after college, but nothing has proceeded in that way. So, now, I have dreams, instead of plans... at least dreams, people will not take away. Plans are the stuff of the exterior, which is prey to circumstances, the way people affect each other through relationships of hierarchy or motives. But dreams, they are what is inside. And you can keep it with you, no matter what path you take, until it becomes real, because you've stayed real to it.

mercredi, juin 07, 2006

Hindsight is perfect sight

The thing about blogs-- it's very public. I've no idea who gets to read it and when. But I am willing to hazard the guess that my blog has been un-viewed for at least one month already... given that my last post was made in early March and those loyal friends who have, from time to time, returned to see if I've put up anything new have, by now, become frustrated to find their loyalty unrewarded. So my guess is... this entry will sit un-viewed for at least a month more.

Anyways-- hindsight is perfect sight. This is a painful lesson that we are forced to learn repeatedly because the mistakes we make are never (never, at least for the average human being with the expected intelligence) the same. Or the mistakes touch a different facet of our being each time, so that we do not know for sure if we have committed the same one before.

But I guess for me-- a once fresh graduate "thrown" into the corporate world-- the adage takes on a completey new... and sharp... form.

I don't even know where to start-- with my "what ifs" or "should not haves", with the fears and cares borne out of them? Okay then: what if I had not been afraid; what if I had spoken up and expressly told HR, right from the beginning, the departments that I particularly wanted to join? Maybe I wouldn't have been given an interview for a position in the branch in the first place. Would it have hurt to say something? What was there to lose-- my face? I wouldn't have lost the offer to join the bank. They didn't offer my anything. I passed their tests. I gave up half a day's work for them.

So, yes. I feel a degree of bitterness. I've always felt it, even five months before I signed that contract. I felt bitter because I was made to wait six months until I formally joined the company, while my old classmates only had to wait two weeks to, at most, a month. I feel bitter because the kind of work I did while I was in limbo seemed to have no value to the employer. No, to them I was just the same as everyone else-- a fresh grad. Some fresh grad I was-- one with practically a year's worth of real, serious work experience. And when I finally did sign that contract, I was given the same kind of offer that my old classmates were given, yes, the same ones who had no work before they started. Moreover, it occurs to me that I was offered a position out of pity. I was given an offer because I told my interviewer that I had been through five interviews already, waited six months already. Because I was giving my contact at HR a headache, calling every so often for six months to ask what was going to happen to me.

And despite all that, I accepted it because I was just relieved to have reached an end to the battle.

But in hindsight-- in perfect sight-- maybe I should not have started out in a position that I did not like. I am afraid now that I will be stuck here for longer than I intended. I am afraid that I am not going to get the experience I want to get before I go back to school for an MBA.

I applied for another position in the bank--one that I think I would have asked for if I had just done so-- and it seemed to give the impression that I had no intention to stay where I was. For whatever reason, my move generated a hush hush reaction among my superiors about the propriety of what I had done and the acceptability of it to HR and to the department who would be receiving my application. Although there is no policy prohibiting probationary (that part was what caused the reaction) employees from applying for internal vacancies, there is general sentiment and expectation that one is to stay put for about two years.

Thing is, I can't wait two years, which is why I started asking myself whether or not I should have accepted the position and whether it would have hurt in the first place to say what I wanted. I can't wait two years because by then, it would be time to go back to school, and what would I take with me to b-school-- knowing how to count cash and cheqeubooks and PIN advices? how to remember bank-specific guidelines for saying whether or not a transaction is to go through? What happens to the stuff I learned and will learn in school? What happens to my creative and analytical capabilities-- those that require me to rack my brain when I write reports? those that challenge me to see things differently so I can find a way to get to the right answer? And what happened to my one year doing and learning all of that when I drafted reports, built spreadsheet models and sat-in three-hour meetings discussing all of that?

Main point is, my application was not meant to hurt the operations of the branch (though I doubt that my non-presence will make a significant dent because I am not permanently assigned to one place). I applied because I feel I can bring value to the position and the position will, in turn, bring value to me. I don't need to be lectured about not expecting to find "the perfect job" and about building a bad reputation for being so fickle as to change positions every so often. No, my application was an earnest expression of my personal goals and my sense of self-worth. That's all it really was.

lundi, mars 06, 2006

The 78th Annual Academy Awards

Hooray! Another year at the Oscars!

I love the Oscars. I really do. I wait for it every year. I think it's because I never lost that little girl inside me who wants to be a big movie star and wear wonderful gowns to glittering affairs... Or maybe I'm really still that little girl, and I haven't grown up at all!

At any rate, I was lucky enough this year to be on leave from work and watch the awards ceremony live. Still lots of magical moments, but I have a few favorites.

  • Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep presenting the Honorary Oscar to Robert Altman - I have the greatest respect for each of these actresses individually. Imagine what happens when you put the two together. They were so spontaneous and funny. They were acting out prescisely what they were saying about Mr. Altman, and of course, they did it oh so very well. Amazing.
  • Awarding of Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song - "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" was probably the least likely winner of the three songs nominated in this category. First of all, Dolly Parton was nominated... how in the world does one compete against a legend like that? Secondly, "Pimp" is a hip-hop song. Something more acceptable for the Grammys, maybe, but the rap at the Oscars?! I get the idea that the Oscars are reserved for more traditional forms of music. But in a year where a film about two gay cowboys led the race, I suppose this isn't very surprising after all. It was so refreshing to see the exhiliration with which the Three 6 Mafia accepted the award. I fully agree with Jon Stewart when he said that that was how Oscars acceptance speeches should be made. Winning one is really a great honour.
  • "Crash" announced as winner for Best Motion Picture of the Year - Everyone thought it would be "Brokeback Mountain". This was the biggest surprise of the evening. With the exception of "Pimp" winning Best Song, I was beginning to think that this year was probably one of the most predictable Oscar ceremonies. I love surprises.

jeudi, février 02, 2006

If I Was Your Woman by Alicia Keys

If I was your woman
And you were my man
You'd have no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb.

If you had the strength.
To walk out my door.
My love would overrule my sins.
And I'd call you back for more.

If I was your woman
If I was your woman
And you were my man

She tears you down darling
Says you're nothing at all
But I'll pick you up darling
When she lets you fall
'Cause, you're like a diamond
But she treats you like glass
Yet you begged her to love you
For me you won't ask

If I was your woman
If I was your woman
If I was your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, stop lovin you.

Life is so crazy
And love is unkind
Because she was first darling
Will she hang on your mind?
You're part of me
But you don't even know it
I'm what you need
But I'm too afraid to show it

If I was your woman
If I was your woman
If I was your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, stop lovin you

mardi, janvier 24, 2006

Hollywood's New Distribution Model?

This article on BusinessWeek caught my eye, and I had a thought about its sociological implications. There's a movie called Bubble, which will be released almost simultaneously in theatres, on DVD and HDTV. The point is to collapse the distribution windows and deliver entertainment to consumers on demand. This is what piracy and file sharing is all about, and adapting this model can help turn revenues back to people who earned it.

I thought about the growing authority of consumers to dictate when they want things. We're like little brats, and because we're such a mass, we have the capability to be bullies too. Imagine if we could have everything at the times that we wanted them. It's democratic, yes, because no one tells us when, but at the same time, it creates a highly disjuncted world. It'll also be an impersonal world because our time will only be our own, and everything else are like fixtures we can schedule at our own convenience.

Still, I'm not actually sure if we could fall into such a state. The social nature of human beings seems a powerful enough counterbalance. I guess it's just nice to put our feelers up for things like this.
-----
Will Bubble Burst a Hollywood Dogma?

"Consumers have a lot more authority these days," Disney CEO Bob Iger told me shortly after his ascension to the top job at the Mouse House. Iger has said collapsing distribution windows is something Hollywood needs to investigate. "We can't put limits on movies when consumers don't want limits," he says. You betcha, Bob.

The movie industry is struggling to find its way in a new and fast-changing world where content is only as good as the consumers' ability to find it when he or she wants it.