Half a Year After

Last Sunday (18 September) marked the sixth month since graduation.

I think about these things--about the time that has passed--and always wonder what I have to show for it. Must be a habit I've taken away from school... School, where everyday guarantees every student a good measure of growth, whether intellectual, emotional, social, etc etc etc.

And so I thought about the six months I've been out of school: what have I to show for it? Sure, I have a job, but it's a job that doesn't really bring me any fulfillment. All I do is sit in front of a computer and listen to what people tell me to do. Sure, I'm still learning tons of things, mostly things about the "real world", which I would never have learned if I were to stay in school. But somehow, all of that learning feels disconnected. I don't know to what-- maybe disconnected from humanity, as I have no friends, hold no real interesting conversations, never get to talk about meaningful subjects and am, on the whole, pretty much just a machine churning out numbers and reports.

But today, wow, was the first time in six months that I've felt "real" again.

I arrived half an hour early for a meeting with a client this morning. I decided to hang out in the lobby and let the time pass. I didn't want to appear in the client's office all alone and so early. (One of the negative results of my solitude these past months is the loss of the feeling of entitlement and worth, since I am the "young and inexperienced" and don't really have anything much to say in the matters of high finance, which is marked by tentativeness in all of my actions.) Ten minutes into the vigil, my client walked into the lobby and saw me waiting. He invited me to come up.

Being that the meeting was not supposed to start in a while, we talked about things unrelated to business. This client is particularly interesting because he has a Ph D and his work as an international civil servant has brought him all over the world. He is an Italian national, but has only lived in Italy for six years (from what I gather)! He's lived in almost every continent of the world. And so we talked about traffic in every major city he's been to, about his education and mine and finding common ground in operations research.

Later this evening, I went to an MBA fair. I had just fallen in line at the entrance when I heard my name called out. I saw a classmate from school, not from the same course (ME), but someone I had gotten to know over the years. As I turned to greet him, I saw the familiar face of one of my good friends, this time from ME. I knew he was in the States for the longest time and didn't know that he had already returned. Moments later, another friend came up. God, I was so happy to see these people. I couldn't help but hug them! (This coming from a non-touchy-feely person!)

I made my rounds with them. I intended to grill the school representatives about qualifications, student aid, and other admissions concerns, but I ended up just drifting from one table to the next, stopping only to get the schools' prospectuses (?). I also planned to stay until the end of the fair, when most of the people had left, so I could really have serious conversations with the reps... but I left the fair after only an hour and a half.

I had dinner with my friends instead.

After dinner, as I was crossing the street to my car, someone stopped to let me pass. I was at the center island of the road when the driver of the car rolled down the window and called out my name. Man, I didn't realize who it was! I was squinting and actually replied, instead of a hello, with a "Who are you?!" Turned out to be yet another ME classmate, in fact, someone I had texted just last week! We are also very good friends, and after six months of no contact, I decided to see how he was. The run-in on the street lasted no more than ten seconds, but it sure beat the text messages we exchanged last week.

And so after all of that, today really was my lucky day. For a change, it was nice to feel like my old self, to talk about things I could relate to... in fact, just to be able to talk, and to know that someone is listening who thinks that my words and ideas actually are worth something-- to be able to talk instead of having to listen all the time.