Just Around the Corner
It's undeniable: Christmas is just around the corner. I have found in my inbox what are perhaps the first few email advertisements of holiday specials.
It's not like I'm a Scrooge. I think I'm precisely the opposite, even. The Yuletide season is my most revered... which is why I hate countdowns, hearing Christmas carols, seeing Christmas decorations for sale--any hint at all of the holidays to come--this early. I love Christmas and I certainly await the season with the same level of anticipation as the next person, but bringing it on this early seems to kill some of the spirit by overexposure.
This year, though, it seems that my resistance to signs of the holidays has taken on a completely opposite foundation: I don't want it to be Christmas.
You see, I have established hallmarks--small indicators that I can expect to see at various times as the season approaches. But this year, it will be almost impossible for me to expect these indicators. I have a different life now, and that means, I can't expect the same things anymore. I won't be able to notice the days grow shorter or the air turn cooler-- because I spend the whole day inside a windowless, airconditioned office. I will no longer be starting a new semester in November-- because there are no semesters in work. There will no longer be the flurry of exams in the weeks before the Christmas break-- because, one, there are no exams to take, and two, I don't have a Christmas break.
But saddest of all, that familiar Christmas spirit--that kind that is not spoken of, but lingers over everyone--will no longer be familiar. I believe that the Christmas spirit is not something that is its own, rather it is something we create out of shared experiences with the people we value most in our lives. I have a hole in my life that used to be filled with friends and teachers. Now, I just feel alone.
I don't want Christmas to come. I loved Christmas for its spirit, and without everything that made me create that spirit, it's going to be nothing more than a date, a point in time. I guess I just don't want it to be that way. Who wants Christmas to be just a date, anyway?
It's not like I'm a Scrooge. I think I'm precisely the opposite, even. The Yuletide season is my most revered... which is why I hate countdowns, hearing Christmas carols, seeing Christmas decorations for sale--any hint at all of the holidays to come--this early. I love Christmas and I certainly await the season with the same level of anticipation as the next person, but bringing it on this early seems to kill some of the spirit by overexposure.
This year, though, it seems that my resistance to signs of the holidays has taken on a completely opposite foundation: I don't want it to be Christmas.
You see, I have established hallmarks--small indicators that I can expect to see at various times as the season approaches. But this year, it will be almost impossible for me to expect these indicators. I have a different life now, and that means, I can't expect the same things anymore. I won't be able to notice the days grow shorter or the air turn cooler-- because I spend the whole day inside a windowless, airconditioned office. I will no longer be starting a new semester in November-- because there are no semesters in work. There will no longer be the flurry of exams in the weeks before the Christmas break-- because, one, there are no exams to take, and two, I don't have a Christmas break.
But saddest of all, that familiar Christmas spirit--that kind that is not spoken of, but lingers over everyone--will no longer be familiar. I believe that the Christmas spirit is not something that is its own, rather it is something we create out of shared experiences with the people we value most in our lives. I have a hole in my life that used to be filled with friends and teachers. Now, I just feel alone.
I don't want Christmas to come. I loved Christmas for its spirit, and without everything that made me create that spirit, it's going to be nothing more than a date, a point in time. I guess I just don't want it to be that way. Who wants Christmas to be just a date, anyway?
posted by Denise | 16:16
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